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Zorra's Thread Update - Is it all a matter of perspective? (Family Law)
Mon, 07 Feb 2005 10:42:00 GMTI was "talking" to a friend via IM, and told her that it surprised me that
some people here seemed to feel that DH's actions rose to the level of
emotional abuse. She said she wasn't surprised, because she'd been saying
the same thing for a long time.
So then I started asking her about *her* husband and what made him
different. To me, he sounds very much like DH. He's completely
non-affectionate. He spends every single Saturday fishing from sun-up to
sundown. She doesn't drive because she has panic attacks. He apparently
doesn't believe in panic attacks, so he puts her down for not being able to
drive. He uses the driving as an excuse for other things -- like, she'll
want to go antique shopping with him, and he'll say, "I already took you
shopping at Wal-Mart." (Grocery shopping.). I loathe antiquing myself, so
I have some sympathy for him on that one! She says if she tried getting
counseling for the panic attacks, he'd ridicule her. He doesn't believe in
emotional crap. If you want to do something, you just do it. He doesn't
seem supportive of her endeavors -- Weight Watchers, home based businesses,
what have you.
But she isn't particularly upset about any of this. Instead, she makes
excuse after excuse for him. He's not emotional because he's a guy. He's
not social or affectionate because all the men in his family at that way.
He doesn't compliment because he's just not that type of person. He doesn't
take her out on "dates" because he doesn't like leaving the children. And
so on.
Obviously I'm not going to try to convince her that her husband is a jerk
and she should be unhappy. But it did get me thinking about my situation
again. I could say all the same things about DH. It's easy to see why he
thinks everything he wants is reasonable. All he wants is for things to be
the way they were when he grew up.
DH is a personality clone of his father. His mom has no personality -- no
wants, needs, desires of her own. She lives only to please others -- his
dad being the first priority. She's the first one up in the morning, and
she doesn't sit down again until she goes to bed that night. DH keeps
telling me he doesn't expect me to be like his mother, but I think he really
does.
For example, last summer DH wanted to go to the beach as usual. I didn't.
I tried discussing other options, but finally got a flat, "Well, *I* like
the beach." in return. So, I started researching beach houses where we
could take the dog. But he didn't want to take the dog. I started looking
around for better shade options than our old umbrella, and a wheeled cart to
help get stuff to the beach. He said we didn't have room in the car for
that stuff. That's where I drew the line and told him that if we didn't
have room he could leave his fishing gear at home. He threw a fit and said
that I could take his money and do whatever I wanted with it, because he was
staying home!
In other words, he was angry not because I wasn't doing what he wanted, but
because I wasn't "happy enough" about doing what he wanted!
But that's exactly the way it was when he grew up. They went on a fishing
trip every year. His mom happily trotted along and cleaned and cooked
whatever they caught. Now *maybe* this was her idea of a dream vacation.
There's no telling, because *she* would never say.
In DH's mind, I'm sure he feels that it's deeply unfair that he has this
troublesome wife who always seems to want to argue with him about things.
I'm willing to bet his dad never had to instruct his mom more than once on
anything.
So maybe I should be more understanding?
Zorra
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- Mon, 07 Feb 2005 23:26:00 GMT(1)
- "Doug Anderson" <ethelthelogremovethis@lawknowledge.org.yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:vak6pkurfx.fsf@lawknowledge.org.ethel.the.log... "Zorra" <zorra@lawknowledge.org.adelphia.net> writes: (snip) So maybe I should be more understanding? You can be as understanding as you want. What you _shouldn't_ do (unless your current ways of relating to each other are acceptable to you) is -give in to his attempts to control you -feel like you need to convince him and get his approval to do what you think is right. -make excuses for behavior on his part which belittle or demeans you. -respond positively to disrespectful behavior. (Probably you shouldn't respond at _all_ to disrespectful behavior.)
Thanks for the reminder!
From what you've written here, it sounds like he treats you in a disrespectful and non-loving way. Now you can say "that is the way he was raised, and he can't help it." And maybe that is true (I don't know). But from your perspective it doesn't matter. Unless you are OK with being treated that way (which you seem not to be), then you need to avoid behavior on your part which gives your husband the message that if he continues treating you this way, he will continue to get what he wants.
He wasn't raised to be disrespectful. He was raised to expect that each
member of the family would play certain roles. He's doing his best to be
his dad. I'm not playing my part, and I think he finds that both confusing
and frustrating. He just doesn't know what to do.
I would also make the point that you and your husband are teaching your children (by example) that this is the way relationships work. Is that what you want to be teaching them?
In his mind, he grew up in the perfect family. His parents never once
argued. I didn't used to believe that -- I figured they were just good
about hiding it from the kids. But now I'm convinced it's true because his
mom would never disagree with anyone. So anyway, he knows we aren't
providing the kids with a perfect example of a relationship. All the more
reason to try to emulate his parents, eh?
Zorra - Tue, 08 Feb 2005 10:56:00 GMT(2)
- "Doug Anderson" <ethelthelogremovethis@lawknowledge.org.yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:36s4l7F4kvsfoU2@lawknowledge.org.individual.net... As much as I find the way he treats you to be distasteful, he doesn't actually sound like an evil person!
No, he's not!
I bet there is a decent chance that things can improve a lot. If you change the way you behave and react to him, he will almost certainly change the way he behaves toward you. One of the unfortunate facts of
Thanks for the words of encouragement. I'm really trying to do just that --
stand my ground without getting angry or defensive. For example, my kids'
school turns their gym into a skating rink every couple weeks throughout the
winter. The kids want to go. DH does not. In the past I've tried to
appeal to him to please come because I'd like to have him there. And he
wouldn't come, and I'd feel put upon and resentful. This year I just told
him that I needed him to come because it was hard on me when he didn't. It
was hard trying to supervise both kids and that it was boring just sitting
there for a couple of hours by myself. He's whined about it a couple of
times. After the last one, he said, "Can you please schedule me for a root
canal so that I can miss the next skate night?" But I just said, "Look,
it's not that much fun for me either, but it's fun for them, so as long as
they want to go, we're going to take them. And it's much more enjoyable for
me if you are with us."
human nature is that many people don't treat their spouses with respect if those spouses give signals that they don't respect themselves. This gives some control to you if you can change the way you think about yourself, and hence the way you react to your husband. It probably _will_ be confusing and frustrating for him. But those are the sorts of situations in which we learn new things! (Couples therapy can really help when things get confusing and frustrating for him, but only if you have a good therapist.)
I have hope for us as well.
Zorra - Tue, 08 Feb 2005 07:37:00 GMT(3)
- "Zorra" <zorra@lawknowledge.org.adelphia.net> writes:
"Doug Anderson" <ethelthelogremovethis@lawknowledge.org.yahoo.com> wrote in message news:vak6pkurfx.fsf@lawknowledge.org.ethel.the.log... "Zorra" <zorra@lawknowledge.org.adelphia.net> writes: (snip) So maybe I should be more understanding? You can be as understanding as you want. What you _shouldn't_ do (unless your current ways of relating to each other are acceptable to you) is -give in to his attempts to control you -feel like you need to convince him and get his approval to do what you think is right. -make excuses for behavior on his part which belittle or demeans you. -respond positively to disrespectful behavior. (Probably you shouldn't respond at _all_ to disrespectful behavior.) Thanks for the reminder! From what you've written here, it sounds like he treats you in a disrespectful and non-loving way. Now you can say "that is the way he was raised, and he can't help it." And maybe that is true (I don't know). But from your perspective it doesn't matter. Unless you are OK with being treated that way (which you seem not to be), then you need to avoid behavior on your part which gives your husband the message that if he continues treating you this way, he will continue to get what he wants. He wasn't raised to be disrespectful. He was raised to expect that each member of the family would play certain roles. He's doing his best to be his dad. I'm not playing my part, and I think he finds that both confusing and frustrating. He just doesn't know what to do.
Yeah, this makes sense.
As much as I find the way he treats you to be distasteful, he doesn't
actually sound like an evil person!
I bet there is a decent chance that things can improve a lot. If you
change the way you behave and react to him, he will almost certainly
change the way he behaves toward you. One of the unfortunate facts of
human nature is that many people don't treat their spouses with
respect if those spouses give signals that they don't respect
themselves. This gives some control to you if you can change the way
you think about yourself, and hence the way you react to your husband.
It probably _will_ be confusing and frustrating for him. But those
are the sorts of situations in which we learn new things! (Couples
therapy can really help when things get confusing and frustrating for
him, but only if you have a good therapist.) - Tue, 08 Feb 2005 02:06:00 GMT(4)
- "Zorra" <zorra@lawknowledge.org.adelphia.net> wrote in So maybe I should be more understanding?
More understanding of who your husband is? Well from what I have read about
your relationship lately you already are very, very understanding.
Perhaps what you really need is to be more understanding of yourself and
*your* needs? From your other posts you described time and time again how
you gave in to your husband. Why? Are his needs more important than yours?
Is he more important than you?
What is it that *you* want out of your marriage? Can you see yourself being
happy continuing to give your husband everything he wants by sacrificing the
things you want? Or not?
As for your friend. She has a different perspective to you. So what? You
have to decide what is right for you, based on you, not somebody else.
Amy - Mon, 07 Feb 2005 10:54:00 GMT(5)
- "Zorra" <zorra@lawknowledge.org.adelphia.net> wrote in message
news:PIudnfo2VcMYK5rfRVn-tw@lawknowledge.org.adelphia.com...I was "talking" to a friend via IM, and told her that it surprised me thatsome people here seemed to feel that DH's actions rose to the level ofemotional abuse. She said she wasn't surprised, because she'd been sayingthe same thing for a long time. So then I started asking her about *her* husband and what made him different. To me, he sounds very much like DH. He's completely non-affectionate. He spends every single Saturday fishing from sun-up to sundown. She doesn't drive because she has panic attacks. He apparently doesn't believe in panic attacks, so he puts her down for not being able to drive. He uses the driving as an excuse for other things -- like, she'll want to go antique shopping with him, and he'll say, "I already took you shopping at Wal-Mart." (Grocery shopping.). I loathe antiquing myself, so I have some sympathy for him on that one! She says if she tried getting counseling for the panic attacks, he'd ridicule her. He doesn't believe in emotional crap. If you want to do something, you just do it. He doesn't seem supportive of her endeavors -- Weight Watchers, home based businesses, what have you. But she isn't particularly upset about any of this. Instead, she makes excuse after excuse for him. He's not emotional because he's a guy. He's not social or affectionate because all the men in his family at that way. He doesn't compliment because he's just not that type of person. He doesn't take her out on "dates" because he doesn't like leaving the children. And so on. Obviously I'm not going to try to convince her that her husband is a jerk and she should be unhappy. But it did get me thinking about my situation again. I could say all the same things about DH. It's easy to see why he thinks everything he wants is reasonable. All he wants is for things to be the way they were when he grew up. DH is a personality clone of his father. His mom has no personality -- no wants, needs, desires of her own. She lives only to please others -- his dad being the first priority. She's the first one up in the morning, and she doesn't sit down again until she goes to bed that night. DH keeps telling me he doesn't expect me to be like his mother, but I think he really does. For example, last summer DH wanted to go to the beach as usual. I didn't. I tried discussing other options, but finally got a flat, "Well, *I* like the beach." in return. So, I started researching beach houses where we could take the dog. But he didn't want to take the dog. I started looking around for better shade options than our old umbrella, and a wheeled cart to help get stuff to the beach. He said we didn't have room in the car for that stuff. That's where I drew the line and told him that if we didn't have room he could leave his fishing gear at home. He threw a fit and said that I could take his money and do whatever I wanted with it, because he was staying home! In other words, he was angry not because I wasn't doing what he wanted, but because I wasn't "happy enough" about doing what he wanted! But that's exactly the way it was when he grew up. They went on a fishing trip every year. His mom happily trotted along and cleaned and cooked whatever they caught. Now *maybe* this was her idea of a dream vacation. There's no telling, because *she* would never say. In DH's mind, I'm sure he feels that it's deeply unfair that he has this troublesome wife who always seems to want to argue with him about things. I'm willing to bet his dad never had to instruct his mom more than once on anything. So maybe I should be more understanding?
He did not marry his mother. He married you.
Zorra - Tue, 08 Feb 2005 02:06:00 GMT(6)
- "Zorra" <zorra@lawknowledge.org.adelphia.net> wrote in So maybe I should be more understanding?
More understanding of who your husband is? Well from what I have read about
your relationship lately you already are very, very understanding.
Perhaps what you really need is to be more understanding of yourself and
*your* needs? From your other posts you described time and time again how
you gave in to your husband. Why? Are his needs more important than yours?
Is he more important than you?
What is it that *you* want out of your marriage? Can you see yourself being
happy continuing to give your husband everything he wants by sacrificing the
things you want? Or not?
As for your friend. She has a different perspective to you. So what? You
have to decide what is right for you, based on you, not somebody else.
Amy - Mon, 07 Feb 2005 10:54:00 GMT(7)
- "Zorra" <zorra@lawknowledge.org.adelphia.net> wrote in message
news:PIudnfo2VcMYK5rfRVn-tw@lawknowledge.org.adelphia.com...I was "talking" to a friend via IM, and told her that it surprised me thatsome people here seemed to feel that DH's actions rose to the level ofemotional abuse. She said she wasn't surprised, because she'd been sayingthe same thing for a long time. So then I started asking her about *her* husband and what made him different. To me, he sounds very much like DH. He's completely non-affectionate. He spends every single Saturday fishing from sun-up to sundown. She doesn't drive because she has panic attacks. He apparently doesn't believe in panic attacks, so he puts her down for not being able to drive. He uses the driving as an excuse for other things -- like, she'll want to go antique shopping with him, and he'll say, "I already took you shopping at Wal-Mart." (Grocery shopping.). I loathe antiquing myself, so I have some sympathy for him on that one! She says if she tried getting counseling for the panic attacks, he'd ridicule her. He doesn't believe in emotional crap. If you want to do something, you just do it. He doesn't seem supportive of her endeavors -- Weight Watchers, home based businesses, what have you. But she isn't particularly upset about any of this. Instead, she makes excuse after excuse for him. He's not emotional because he's a guy. He's not social or affectionate because all the men in his family at that way. He doesn't compliment because he's just not that type of person. He doesn't take her out on "dates" because he doesn't like leaving the children. And so on. Obviously I'm not going to try to convince her that her husband is a jerk and she should be unhappy. But it did get me thinking about my situation again. I could say all the same things about DH. It's easy to see why he thinks everything he wants is reasonable. All he wants is for things to be the way they were when he grew up. DH is a personality clone of his father. His mom has no personality -- no wants, needs, desires of her own. She lives only to please others -- his dad being the first priority. She's the first one up in the morning, and she doesn't sit down again until she goes to bed that night. DH keeps telling me he doesn't expect me to be like his mother, but I think he really does. For example, last summer DH wanted to go to the beach as usual. I didn't. I tried discussing other options, but finally got a flat, "Well, *I* like the beach." in return. So, I started researching beach houses where we could take the dog. But he didn't want to take the dog. I started looking around for better shade options than our old umbrella, and a wheeled cart to help get stuff to the beach. He said we didn't have room in the car for that stuff. That's where I drew the line and told him that if we didn't have room he could leave his fishing gear at home. He threw a fit and said that I could take his money and do whatever I wanted with it, because he was staying home! In other words, he was angry not because I wasn't doing what he wanted, but because I wasn't "happy enough" about doing what he wanted! But that's exactly the way it was when he grew up. They went on a fishing trip every year. His mom happily trotted along and cleaned and cooked whatever they caught. Now *maybe* this was her idea of a dream vacation. There's no telling, because *she* would never say. In DH's mind, I'm sure he feels that it's deeply unfair that he has this troublesome wife who always seems to want to argue with him about things. I'm willing to bet his dad never had to instruct his mom more than once on anything. So maybe I should be more understanding?
He did not marry his mother. He married you.
Zorra - Tue, 08 Feb 2005 07:37:00 GMT(8)
- "Zorra" <zorra@lawknowledge.org.adelphia.net> writes:
"Doug Anderson" <ethelthelogremovethis@lawknowledge.org.yahoo.com> wrote in message news:vak6pkurfx.fsf@lawknowledge.org.ethel.the.log... "Zorra" <zorra@lawknowledge.org.adelphia.net> writes: (snip) So maybe I should be more understanding? You can be as understanding as you want. What you _shouldn't_ do (unless your current ways of relating to each other are acceptable to you) is -give in to his attempts to control you -feel like you need to convince him and get his approval to do what you think is right. -make excuses for behavior on his part which belittle or demeans you. -respond positively to disrespectful behavior. (Probably you shouldn't respond at _all_ to disrespectful behavior.) Thanks for the reminder! From what you've written here, it sounds like he treats you in a disrespectful and non-loving way. Now you can say "that is the way he was raised, and he can't help it." And maybe that is true (I don't know). But from your perspective it doesn't matter. Unless you are OK with being treated that way (which you seem not to be), then you need to avoid behavior on your part which gives your husband the message that if he continues treating you this way, he will continue to get what he wants. He wasn't raised to be disrespectful. He was raised to expect that each member of the family would play certain roles. He's doing his best to be his dad. I'm not playing my part, and I think he finds that both confusing and frustrating. He just doesn't know what to do.
Yeah, this makes sense.
As much as I find the way he treats you to be distasteful, he doesn't
actually sound like an evil person!
I bet there is a decent chance that things can improve a lot. If you
change the way you behave and react to him, he will almost certainly
change the way he behaves toward you. One of the unfortunate facts of
human nature is that many people don't treat their spouses with
respect if those spouses give signals that they don't respect
themselves. This gives some control to you if you can change the way
you think about yourself, and hence the way you react to your husband.
It probably _will_ be confusing and frustrating for him. But those
are the sorts of situations in which we learn new things! (Couples
therapy can really help when things get confusing and frustrating for
him, but only if you have a good therapist.) - Tue, 08 Feb 2005 10:56:00 GMT(9)
- "Doug Anderson" <ethelthelogremovethis@lawknowledge.org.yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:36s4l7F4kvsfoU2@lawknowledge.org.individual.net... As much as I find the way he treats you to be distasteful, he doesn't actually sound like an evil person!
No, he's not!
I bet there is a decent chance that things can improve a lot. If you change the way you behave and react to him, he will almost certainly change the way he behaves toward you. One of the unfortunate facts of
Thanks for the words of encouragement. I'm really trying to do just that --
stand my ground without getting angry or defensive. For example, my kids'
school turns their gym into a skating rink every couple weeks throughout the
winter. The kids want to go. DH does not. In the past I've tried to
appeal to him to please come because I'd like to have him there. And he
wouldn't come, and I'd feel put upon and resentful. This year I just told
him that I needed him to come because it was hard on me when he didn't. It
was hard trying to supervise both kids and that it was boring just sitting
there for a couple of hours by myself. He's whined about it a couple of
times. After the last one, he said, "Can you please schedule me for a root
canal so that I can miss the next skate night?" But I just said, "Look,
it's not that much fun for me either, but it's fun for them, so as long as
they want to go, we're going to take them. And it's much more enjoyable for
me if you are with us."
human nature is that many people don't treat their spouses with respect if those spouses give signals that they don't respect themselves. This gives some control to you if you can change the way you think about yourself, and hence the way you react to your husband. It probably _will_ be confusing and frustrating for him. But those are the sorts of situations in which we learn new things! (Couples therapy can really help when things get confusing and frustrating for him, but only if you have a good therapist.)
I have hope for us as well.
Zorra - Mon, 07 Feb 2005 10:59:00 GMT(10)
- "Zorra" <zorra@lawknowledge.org.adelphia.net> writes:
(snip)
So maybe I should be more understanding?
You can be as understanding as you want. What you _shouldn't_ do
(unless your current ways of relating to each other are acceptable to
you) is
-give in to his attempts to control you
-feel like you need to convince him and get his approval to do what
you think is right.
-make excuses for behavior on his part which belittle or demeans you.
-respond positively to disrespectful behavior. (Probably you
shouldn't respond at _all_ to disrespectful behavior.)
From what you've written here, it sounds like he treats you in a
disrespectful and non-loving way.
Now you can say "that is the way he was raised, and he can't help it."
And maybe that is true (I don't know). But from your perspective it
doesn't matter. Unless you are OK with being treated that way (which
you seem not to be), then you need to avoid behavior on your part
which gives your husband the message that if he continues treating you
this way, he will continue to get what he wants.
I would also make the point that you and your husband are teaching
your children (by example) that this is the way relationships work.
Is that what you want to be teaching them?
Doug - Tue, 08 Feb 2005 10:33:00 GMT(11)
- "Amy Lou" <amylouisa@lawknowledge.org.bigpond.com> wrote in message
news:ea0Od.152449$K7.108769@lawknowledge.org.news-server.bigpond.net.au... "Zorra" <zorra@lawknowledge.org.adelphia.net> wrote in So maybe I should be more understanding? More understanding of who your husband is? Well from what I have read about your relationship lately you already are very, very understanding. Perhaps what you really need is to be more understanding of yourself and *your* needs? From your other posts you described time and time again how you gave in to your husband. Why? Are his needs more important than yours? Is he more important than you?
At least part of that is my own insecurity. When we were trying to decide
where to live, I started off being pretty adamant that I wanted to live in
what I considered to be a more kid-friendly neigborhood. And he didn't just
blow me off -- we went and looked at properties and floor plans and so forth
in this one place. We even talked to the real estate agent there, and at
one point were seriously considering making an offer on a lot.
But that's where it stalled. I knew it would be a big compromise for him.
He likely never would have felt happy or comfortable there. And then I
started panicking. What if we moved there, and the pack of neighborhood
kids I envisioned never materialized? What if we didn't fit in with the
yuppie mentality that seems to prevail in that area. What if none of us
were happy, and it was all my fault?
So in this instance at least I didn't cave because he was bullying, I caved
because of my own fears.
What is it that *you* want out of your marriage? Can you see yourself being happy continuing to give your husband everything he wants by sacrificing the things you want? Or not?
No. And I've been getting better and better at standing up for myself. I
just need some more practice I think.And a way to rid the house of the anger
build up.
As for your friend. She has a different perspective to you. So what? You have to decide what is right for you, based on you, not somebody else. Amy - Mon, 07 Feb 2005 23:26:00 GMT(12)
- "Doug Anderson" <ethelthelogremovethis@lawknowledge.org.yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:vak6pkurfx.fsf@lawknowledge.org.ethel.the.log... "Zorra" <zorra@lawknowledge.org.adelphia.net> writes: (snip) So maybe I should be more understanding? You can be as understanding as you want. What you _shouldn't_ do (unless your current ways of relating to each other are acceptable to you) is -give in to his attempts to control you -feel like you need to convince him and get his approval to do what you think is right. -make excuses for behavior on his part which belittle or demeans you. -respond positively to disrespectful behavior. (Probably you shouldn't respond at _all_ to disrespectful behavior.)
Thanks for the reminder!
From what you've written here, it sounds like he treats you in a disrespectful and non-loving way. Now you can say "that is the way he was raised, and he can't help it." And maybe that is true (I don't know). But from your perspective it doesn't matter. Unless you are OK with being treated that way (which you seem not to be), then you need to avoid behavior on your part which gives your husband the message that if he continues treating you this way, he will continue to get what he wants.
He wasn't raised to be disrespectful. He was raised to expect that each
member of the family would play certain roles. He's doing his best to be
his dad. I'm not playing my part, and I think he finds that both confusing
and frustrating. He just doesn't know what to do.
I would also make the point that you and your husband are teaching your children (by example) that this is the way relationships work. Is that what you want to be teaching them?
In his mind, he grew up in the perfect family. His parents never once
argued. I didn't used to believe that -- I figured they were just good
about hiding it from the kids. But now I'm convinced it's true because his
mom would never disagree with anyone. So anyway, he knows we aren't
providing the kids with a perfect example of a relationship. All the more
reason to try to emulate his parents, eh?
Zorra - Tue, 08 Feb 2005 10:33:00 GMT(13)
- "Amy Lou" <amylouisa@lawknowledge.org.bigpond.com> wrote in message
news:ea0Od.152449$K7.108769@lawknowledge.org.news-server.bigpond.net.au... "Zorra" <zorra@lawknowledge.org.adelphia.net> wrote in So maybe I should be more understanding? More understanding of who your husband is? Well from what I have read about your relationship lately you already are very, very understanding. Perhaps what you really need is to be more understanding of yourself and *your* needs? From your other posts you described time and time again how you gave in to your husband. Why? Are his needs more important than yours? Is he more important than you?
At least part of that is my own insecurity. When we were trying to decide
where to live, I started off being pretty adamant that I wanted to live in
what I considered to be a more kid-friendly neigborhood. And he didn't just
blow me off -- we went and looked at properties and floor plans and so forth
in this one place. We even talked to the real estate agent there, and at
one point were seriously considering making an offer on a lot.
But that's where it stalled. I knew it would be a big compromise for him.
He likely never would have felt happy or comfortable there. And then I
started panicking. What if we moved there, and the pack of neighborhood
kids I envisioned never materialized? What if we didn't fit in with the
yuppie mentality that seems to prevail in that area. What if none of us
were happy, and it was all my fault?
So in this instance at least I didn't cave because he was bullying, I caved
because of my own fears.
What is it that *you* want out of your marriage? Can you see yourself being happy continuing to give your husband everything he wants by sacrificing the things you want? Or not?
No. And I've been getting better and better at standing up for myself. I
just need some more practice I think.And a way to rid the house of the anger
build up.
As for your friend. She has a different perspective to you. So what? You have to decide what is right for you, based on you, not somebody else. Amy - Mon, 07 Feb 2005 10:59:00 GMT(14)
- "Zorra" <zorra@lawknowledge.org.adelphia.net> writes:
(snip)
So maybe I should be more understanding?
You can be as understanding as you want. What you _shouldn't_ do
(unless your current ways of relating to each other are acceptable to
you) is
-give in to his attempts to control you
-feel like you need to convince him and get his approval to do what
you think is right.
-make excuses for behavior on his part which belittle or demeans you.
-respond positively to disrespectful behavior. (Probably you
shouldn't respond at _all_ to disrespectful behavior.)
From what you've written here, it sounds like he treats you in a
disrespectful and non-loving way.
Now you can say "that is the way he was raised, and he can't help it."
And maybe that is true (I don't know). But from your perspective it
doesn't matter. Unless you are OK with being treated that way (which
you seem not to be), then you need to avoid behavior on your part
which gives your husband the message that if he continues treating you
this way, he will continue to get what he wants.
I would also make the point that you and your husband are teaching
your children (by example) that this is the way relationships work.
Is that what you want to be teaching them?
Doug
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